Tag Archives: mental health

Bullshit Hacking, or Lies Society Taught Me

Meeting some ducks

Meeting some ducks.

I bloody love going to see my shrink. Ok don’t get me wrong, the bastard still makes me cry, and remember how it feels to feel things I thought I’d put long behind me, but he’s also some kind of ninja counselling genius who picks out ridiculously profound patterns from my what-I-always-assumed-were random thoughts. Which is kinda mindblowing in a how-did-you-even-see-that kinda way, as well as in a more personal understanding-how-my-head-works kinda way. Which is kinda the main point I guess.

So basically I’m learning lots about me. Conveniently I really like learning new things, and I wanted to share a few of them here:

The phrase “A smile costs nothing” is bullshit. True, sometimes it doesn’t cost anything, but then again, sometimes it does. If you’re in the mood for smiling, or not too bothered one way or the other, then sure – give it a whirl. But if you really want to do something other than smile, then it’s a little lie. You’re hiding your feelings, sparing other people’s feelings, avoiding reality. Stuff having a brave face (or a calm face or a supportive face) – I’d rather be in touch with what’s real. I don’t owe anyone a smile – I give smiles when, and because, I want to.

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” is also bullshit. True, if you have to break bad news or broach an uncomfortable subject you might want to err towards choosing your words reasonably considerately, but I’ll take being honest and listening, instead of clamming up and pretending everything’s fine, a thousand times out of a hundred. I have no right to assume that people want me to “protect them” from uncomfortable discussions. Equally if I don’t feel I’m being listened to, then I have no duty to stay in that situation – I have a choice of how to deal with it. And that can include taking a step back or taking some time, or taking my ideas elsewhere. I choose not to be defensive or jump to conclusions, and I can choose not to be around people who do. And that’s Ok. That’s my right.

“Always put other people first” is bullshit too. Consider other people, yes; don’t be unethical or take advantage of others – but always put them before me? Always leave myself with the shitty end of the stick? Always compromise, always give in, always carry other people’s burdens even if they’ve not asked? No. Do other people always put my needs first? No. I have a right to my own boundaries, just like other people have a right to theirs. And I don’t have to give up my boundaries to be accepted as a helpful and charitable member of society. Bugger it – I don’t even have to be seen as a helpful or charitable member of society – I just need to be me.

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Filed under Comfort, Inspiration, Nice Things

2 Weeks – Too Expensive?

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Stock photo alert, sorry! Apt though for today’s missive, I felt

Last time I posted it was about the joys of the fortnight till my career break (yay by the way!). This time I’m saddened to say, it’s because  Home Secretary and Minister for Women and Equality Theresa May (you read that second bit of her job title didn’t you? Just checking..) has announced that she’s going to scrap the planned pilots of Domestic Violence Protection Orders, that would allow authorities to remove violent partners from their homes for 2 weeks, to allow the oppressed partner, and often children, time to seek help and safety. There is research to support the use of these orders, which have been trialled in Austria and Switzerland. But apparently now it’s going to cost too much.

OK…

A lot of people have commented, quite rightly, that this is a particularly short sighted move, and I’m not going to repeat what I hope is obvious. The Independent’s article explains the significance of this announcement very nicely and is worth a read. I mean everyone knows domestic violence (DV) (or domestic abuse (DA) as it’s more all-encompassingly known), is bad. Most people know that provision for victims is variable, and that innocent people die because of it (2 women each week in fact). 1 in 4 women will experience DA in their lifetime. This means you probably know someone who has. If you didn’t know this then DA charities Refuge and Women’s Aid have some great resources, for kids as well as adults. Go broaden your horizons.

Domestic Abuse: Quite a comprehensive list actually

So Wednesday’s announcement does rather go against the new government’s flagship wholesome family ethos and caring sharing big society policies. Why’s that then? Let’s see:

  • DA destroys family relationships and reduces self esteem for the victim and any kids involved. This costs money in terms of schooling, benefits, and healthcare.
  • Providing support to victims to allow them to escape gives them a future and for kids can turn poor behaviour and performance at home and at school around; for mums it can help them find better work.
  • It’s really, really hard to leave an abusive partner on your own, with him (or sometimes her) watching your every move. 2 weeks is a small but valuable amount of time to summon up the courage and make a plan. Without the 2 week period, fewer people will break out of the social cycle of abuse.

DA deniers (like holocaust or climate change deniers) say that nothing’s proven, you can’t victimise the “accused” by evicting him from his home when nothing’s been proven. It is a line abusers will use themselves. “How unjust, I’m the real victim!” they will say. Well, I say this:

  • If a partner has sufficient reason to convince a senior police officer trained in DA matters, that this order is necessary, then it probably is.
  • If the allegations do turn out to be false then there is clearly something seriously wrong with the relationship regardless, and maybe 2 weeks breathing space won’t be such a bad thing and someone might even suggest therapy or an amicable (ish) break up.
  • If we, as a society, continue to pussyfoot around when it comes to domestic abuse, then more women will continue to have their lives shattered, or in worst cases die, at the hands of men they once trusted but are now controlled by, and more children will grow up with mental health issues, not realising their full potential, and with a distorted perception of society (that it’s ok for women to be victims and it’s normal for men to thrown their weight around). The cycle will continue. And yes, this will cost us money as a society in terms of welfare, and as country in terms of productivity.

It’s really really hard to recognise domestic abuse, even when you’re experiencing it, and even harder to know what to do about it and follow that through. I can only assume Ms May hasn’t really done her research. It’s incredibly hard to ask for help if DA is happening to you – it’s a subtle process, that involves persuasion, manipulation and control, through emotional blackmail, increasing levels of ridicule, humiliation, threats, and steady blurring of boundaries. They will use your weaknesses to strengthen their control over you. Who doesn’t have a weakness? Ooh, and did I mention that being caring, concerned and trusting are all “weaknesses of character” to be taken advantage of if you are an abuser? (I wanted to put “disrespectful arsehole” there instead but I’m too nice).

I know we look like crap but we’d just run 10k for Womens Aid

Unless you know the signs to look out for, and if the person doing this to you never initially behaved like this, spent the early days gaining your trust, telling you how much you meant to them, then drops these changes in gradually, it’s easy to excuse these “one-offs”. Then when it’s too late and they’re playing with your mind, interrogating you, and knocking you black and blue, it’s easy to feel incredibly ashamed and stupid and like a failure that you didn’t realise sooner and walk away. So you stay. Because your confidence is gone, the only reality you know is the one he tells you, you are convinced your friends will laugh at you for being stupid enough to be with him, or that they will say that it can’t be that bad and you should go back to him. You no longer trust your own mind.

If you’re not suffering or haven’t ever suffered domestic abuse then you’ll be reading this and thinking I’m insane. Hell, I’m reading this and thinking I’m insane. Of course you’d never stay with someone who yelled at you constantly and stopped you doing things by force! But it’s not that straightforward. It doesn’t happen overnight. If he gets wind you’re onto him he’ll stop and lay on the love, and buy you gifts, and tell you how much he needs you, and how much he’s changed, until he thinks you’re placated. Then he’ll start again and see how far he can push you. This is the reality. This is the cycle. This is how abusers operate, what they rely on.  It’s the barrier I had to get through to get my ex-partner out of my life.  It’s what people won’t talk about because they don’t want to interfere, it’s what people who haven’t been through it don’t quite grasp, but it’s what we need to make everyone in society aware of, so that we all recognise it, so we can all help a friend, relative, a stranger, or even ourselves out of a situation that will at best destroy our compassion, spirit and soul, and at worst leave us dead at the hands of someone we trusted.

2 weeks breathing space is nothing to the abuser. It can be everything to someone who desperately needs to feel sane enough to escape a destructive relationship.

Some useful links:

Freephone 24 hour hour domestic abuse helpline, run jointly by Refuge and Womens Aid: 0808 2000 247

How to cover your tracks online

Warning signs and what do do if you’re being abused

What is domestic abuse?

Kids & domestic abuse

David Miliband petition to reverse cuts to Domestic Violence Protection Orders

Refuge petition to ensure everyone in the UK can access DA services (currently a third of local authorities have no specialist support)

Campaigns from Women’s Aid

How you can help: tons of resources on local and national  work can be found on the Womens Aid & Refuge Homepages. And on a basic level, the ACT campaign is all you really need to do, the rest will follow: A dmit abuse is happening, C all it abuse and T alk to someone.

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